


Between Madness and Love

by pandorabox82



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:01:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24164800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorabox82/pseuds/pandorabox82
Summary: After John gets some very surprising test results back on Roxanna, he changes his plan of taking her out of the picture to starting a new life with her. But Henrik just cannot accept her death, and will stop at nothing until he finds his heart once more.
Relationships: Henrik Hanssen/Roxanna MacMillan
Comments: 8
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

John knew that he had to intercept any and all of Roxanna's tests results before another member of staff did, since the answers he found there would determine what actions he took next. Thankfully, Henrik was too overwrought to truly pay attention to what he was doing, and Essie seemed content to follow whatever orders he gave her. That made this job that much easier, and he was playing the waiting game. Deciding to take a chance with the results, he hurried down to check on Josh, seeing that his condition was much the same. Sighing with frustration, he turned on his heel and briskly made his way back up to Roxanna's side.

It was more difficult than he had thought, to see her lying so still and quiet in that bed, knowing that his actions had pushed her to the sort of recklessness that would have her running recklessly through a carpark, heedless of her own safety in order to get away from him. And John also knew that it would have only been a matter of time before she revealed to Henrik the truth of his trial, and then their relationships would be irrevocably broken apart. This time, Henrik would take her side, and he would be left out in the cold once more, as there was no David for him to push her onto now.

Sighing, John reached out and brushed a lock of hair out of Roxanna's eyes. She had started growing it out once more, and he wondered if that was an unconscious decision, since she knew that Henrik liked her with longer hair. "Oh, Roxanna, why did you have to come between everything? Why didn't you see that I loved you, maybe even more than Henrik does? I love him, too, you know, which makes this whole situation all the more difficult. He's going to mourn your death, and I'll help him pick up the pieces, and no one will realise that things have gone so far off the rails with regards to this trial. If only you had kept your mouth shut, then perhaps I would have been persuaded to ensure that you came out of this."

John took a seat next to her bedside, studying the monitors that told him about her condition. This was a needle that he would have to very finely thread, since there was still the possibility that Henrik could do something unplanned and call in another neurosurgeon to give them a second opinion. And if he was going to do that, there were a few faces that he didn't want to see, namely Max McGerry and Guy Self. They were both too good of doctors to not see through any obfuscation that he might try to use on the rest of the staff.

"John, I managed to intercept the test result, since I knew that you wanted to see them as soon as they were finished."

He looked up to see Essie standing in the doorway, a few pieces of paper in her hands. John made certain to allow her face to relax into a smile, beckoning her inside. "And did you look at the results?" he asked as he held out his hand for the papers.

"No, I didn't have time."

"Good. Thank you for making certain that I got these so quickly. Now, while I go over them, would you mind checking on the tests that I'm running in the lab before doing observations on Josh and the others?"

Essie nodded, her smile never faltering. "Of course. I'll be back soon to check up on Roxanna. I would hate to lose her."

"You and me, both," he murmured as he waggled his hand towards the door. Essie nodded and scurried from the room, closing the door behind her. Once she was gone, the genial look fell from his face as he rolled his eyes. "Really, I didn't think anyone could be that vapidly stupid, Rox. But I swear that I've met scarecrows with larger brains than her."

There was no reaction from Roxanna, and he sighed as he unfolded the papers Essie had handed him. The preliminary results were mixed, but did indicate that Roxanna would eventually wake up from this coma, and that news did not sit well with him, because once she woke up, then the truth would be coming out shortly afterwards. Already, his mind began to spin with ways of how to ensure that she never woke up. A part of him was loathe to outright kill her, since they had been friends for so long, and he also did not relish inflicting that sort of trauma on Henrik, not so soon after he had lost his son, but he also knew that if Roxanna remained in a coma, Henrik would hold on to the hope that there might one day be a way for her to be fixed.

"This is really such a shame, Rox," he said as his eyes started to skim the results of her blood test. "I really did enjoy…oh my god." He had thought that there would never be anything that surprised him in this world ever again, but one of the results there told him that he did not know Henrik and Roxanna quite as well as he thought he had. "This definitely makes me want to rethink my plans."

Rubbing his eyes tiredly, he took another look at the paper, seeing that the words, the result, had not changed. At some point, when he hadn't been looking, his friends had become physically intimate and that had resulted in something that was statistically improbable for Roxanna's age. Though his specialty was not gynecology, even he knew that once a woman reached the age of fifty, the likelihood of her falling pregnant was slim to none. And yet, here she was, proving once more that miracles happened around her orbit, and he knew that the fetus was strong, having survived the accident. "What am I going to do now? I can't just end the life of a child, even though that might mean I lose everything else. Everyone else."

Taking a seat, he reached out for her cool hand and squeezed it tightly, staring at her face. The placid look unsettled him more now, knowing what he did, and he let out a soft sigh as a quick rush of affection spread through his mind and body. "But this could be the chance to have a family of my own," he finally said as he drew his gaze down to her torso, trying to imagine what she would look like with a baby bump. Given her height, and the length of her torso, she might not even show all that much. "It would be so easy to fake your death and ensure that we make a clean getaway, Rox. These idiots pay so little attention to what happens, after all. Fredrik managed to smuggle automatic weapons inside, under everyone's noses. And though you might not love me as much as I love you right now, I'm certain that with time, we would become a solid unit as we took care of the baby." Releasing her hand, John reached out and stroked her stomach lightly. "This is our future together, and I will not let it slip through my grasp once more." His mind made up, John quickly formulated the plan that would ensure they could get away from Holby and start a new life, away from everything they knew.


	2. Chapter 2

Henrik felt like he was walking through thick molasses as he watched the buzz of activity happen around him. He had just been about to head down to check on Roxanna when he heard the code being called, and he had tried to break into a brisk jog in order to ensure himself that it wasn't her room that the others were hurrying towards, that she was all right and he was worrying for nothing. When he saw Essie slam into Roxanna's room, though, he knew that the pit in his stomach had every right to be there and that it was now a cause for concern.

Taking a deep breath, he broke out into a run and finally entered the room, seeing John and Essie work on Roxanna, the monitors that took stock of her condition telling him everything he needed to know and confirming his worst fears. "You have to do something, John!" he bellowed out, his eyes darting between his best friend and his partner. He knew that they had parted on harsh terms, since he hadn't been able to accept the news that she had given him, he hadn't wanted to believe that John might not be telling them the complete truth. And now it looked like he might not ever be able to take back his harsh words.

"I'm trying everything that I know of, Henrik. But please, leave, you shouldn't see this. I'll let you know when I have more news. All right?"

He didn't want to agree, since that would mean that he might miss out on his chance to say goodbye to Roxanna, and he didn't want that. But then, Essie turned her face towards him, and he knew that it was highly unlikely that he would ever get the chance for anything else when it came to her. Not wanting to break down in front of them, Henrik nodded sharply and then turned and burst from the room. As he tried to take the long, deep, breaths that his therapist insisted would help him keep his cool, Henrik found his mind racing with the possibility of what would happen next.

"Henrik!"

Shaking his mind clear of the fog that had clouded it, he looked up at Sacha and nodded. "Yes?"

"There's a problem with Jac and Josh. They're both being taken to theatre, and we need another surgeon to step in. I cannot work on Jac, we're too close, so I need you to scrub in and get her stabilized."

Henrik nodded and followed Sacha over to the lifts. A part of his mind was still occupied with thoughts of Roxanna and how she was doing, and he swallowed thickly, trying to will away his tears. "What's the situation with Ms Naylor?"

"I think that it has something to do with that implant Gaskell put into her back. It's never truly worked properly, no matter what Jac or he said. And now, she's crashing, and it has to come out. I know that you were once working towards a neurosurgical specialty, so even if Jac and I weren't as close as we are, you'd still be the better choice, since John is taking care of Roxanna."

He nodded again, feeling like that was all he could do in that moment. The ritual of scrubbing in for surgery seemed to calm his racing heart, and he stepped into the surgical room with the focus that he needed to perform the surgery well. There were a few moments when things became a little hairy, but he used every skill that he had ever learned to pull Jac from the brink and remove the implant and as much of the scar tissue that would trouble her that he could excise.

As Henrik went to close the surgical wound, he saw Serena enter the observation room, a concerned look on her face. Frowning a little, he handed over the last bits of the surgery to Doctor McKendrick before heading out of the surgical room, tugging off his gown and gloves and disposing of them before joining Serena in the other room. "I take it that you have news for me?"

"Yes, Henrik. But first, how did Jac's surgery turn out?"

He took a deep breath as he turned to watch Doctor McKendrick finish the suturing, giving him a small thumb's up. He fought to keep a neutral expression on his face, even though he wanted to react. "It appears that she'll pull through well, though it remains to be seen if there will be any lasting consequences from the removal of John's implant. There is going to be so much that we discuss after this, since there hasn't been any indication that the implants could fail like this. Have you heard how Josh's surgery turned out?"

Serena took a deep breath as she looked away from him, a tight look passing over her features. "It did not have the outcome that we had hoped for, and he passed away on the table. Sacha is quite heartbroken and doesn't know how he'll break the news to Essie and the family. But that's not why I came to get you." Her eyes softened into a sad expression that he had often seen her wear when she was delivered horrible news to relatives. Henrik tried to keep his knees from buckling when she reached out her hand and rested it on his upper arm.

"Snälla," he murmured, reverting back to Swedish without even thinking as he continued to stare into her face, trying to will her expression into something that didn't bode ill for him.

"I am so sorry, Henrik. John tried as hard as he could to save Roxanna, but there was nothing more that he could do. She coded on the operating table, and he was unable to bring her back."

Time seemed to grind to a halt, the same as it had when he watched Fredrik be shot in front of him, and he fought to hold the panic and tears at bay, not wanting to break down in front of everyone still in the operating theatre. "I see," he finally said before drawing in a deep breath. "Well." Henrik pulled off his glasses and rubbed at the bridge of his nose.

"Do you want to see her before the coroner begins his work?" The kindness in her voice was almost too much to bear, and he took another deep breath, knowing that was the only thing able to keep him on an even keel at the moment. Sliding his glasses back onto his face, he nodded. "I thought that would be your answer. We'll go together."

"Thank you," he managed to whisper, and a fleeting smile darting across her lips as she placed his hand in the small of his back, guiding him out of the room and over to lift. Thankfully, she didn't try to make small talk while they rode down to the basement, something that he was eternally grateful for, even if the silence was soon a bit oppressive.

It didn't take long for them to reach the morgue, and he shivered slightly as he recalled the last time that he had been down there was with his son. Squaring his shoulders, he entered the room and looked around for the person in charge. "Mister Hanssen! What brings you down here?"

He focused his gaze on the woman, feeling his eyes narrow a little. "You should have a new…"

"Roxanna MacMillan should have been brought here a few minutes ago," Serena smoothly cut in when his voice faltered to a halt. "We would like a few moments with her, to pay our respects, before you do your job."

The medical examiner's eyes grew wide as she shook her head slowly. "I'm sorry, but I've had no bodies brought down here in the last forty-five minutes, let alone a colleague." As those words washed over Henrik's brain, he felt his body grow cold, wondering what was going on in his hospital.


	3. Chapter 3

"This makes no sense, Henrik. Essie informed me that they had brought Roxanna right down to the morgue, since that's protocol."

"I understand that, Serena, but that still leaves the question as to where, exactly, her body is at the moment. This could lead to a scandal the likes of which the hospital does not need. Not after what happened with Fredrik. We need to find out what happened to her. Now!"

He knew that he was being irrational in that moment, but could not find a way to draw back his anger. Serena reached out and touched his arm lightly, trying to get him to focus on her. He took a few deep breaths before looking down into her upturned face. "We will search the hospital from top to bottom. Go up to your office, and I'll read Fletch into the situation and he can help me search. The less people who know about what's going on, the better, since it means that it won't get out."

Henrik nodded, knowing that she had a good point. "You'll come to me the minute you know something?"

"Of course, you need to be kept in the loop."

Serena patted his arm before they went over to the lift and then they were waiting once more. "There has to be a reason for this," he muttered to himself, knowing that there wasn't an answer that any of them could offer up in that moment, not without talking to John or Essie. He got out of the lift on the floor for Keller Ward, leaving Serena to ride up to Darwin alone. As he stalked over to the office he shared with Roxanna, Henrik once more felt a wave of sorrow start to wash over him, and it took every ounce of his control to keep a flat, placid, mask firmly in place until he was behind the door, closed off from the rest of the hospital.

Sinking down into his chair, he leaned back and stared up at the ceiling, thinking about his Roxanna. There was no way that she could possibly be gone, that he would never hear her voice ever again. Just as the first tears threatened to escape his eyes, the door opened and he sat up straight, tidying an already neat desk as Sacha entered the room. "I just heard the news about Roxanna, Henrik. I am so sorry."

The man came over to his desk and sat down on a corner of it as he looked into his face. "Yes, well, it was always going to be touch and go after that accident. Doctor Chowdhury was travelling too quickly for Roxanna's injuries to be anything but extensive and life threatening."

"Still, I can only imagine what you must be feeling, losing her so soon after losing David. I know that you all were close friends. Has Gaskell explained anything to you yet?"

He shook his head a little as he tried to find his way out of this suddenly awkward conversation. "I have not had the opportunity to speak with him yet, no. I assume that he is still writing up the notes from what went wrong during the surgery, since he'll most likely be called to defend his actions, given that it was one of our colleagues that perished at his hands."

"That sounds almost sinister, Henrik."

He shrugged a little, wondering if Roxanna's death had been so straightforward, if there hadn't been something more to it, especially since it came so soon after she had tried once more to tell him that she thought something hinky was going on with John's study. He hadn't wanted to listen to her, he thought that she was experiencing grief fueled paranoia, but the accident and then her death seemed like clear signs pointing towards the fact that she might have been right, and that would mean that he was now separated from all the friends he had made while at Rigden. "I'm starting to feel like there may have been more to all of this than what we saw. Maybe Roxanna was right about John, and I should have questioned things more than I did. And now I'll never be able to question her in depth."

"Have you spoken to Essie about all of this yet? I know that she worked closely with Gaskell and Roxanna on this study of his."

"There hasn't been time, not when she was working with John to save Roxanna. Much good that did, as it turns out."

He hated how bitter he sounded, but Sacha just gave him that understanding look that he wore so well, empathy seeming to roll off him in waves as he smiled sadly. "I'm certain that everyone did their best to save her, Henrik."

"You're right, of course." Clearing his throat, he glanced down at the one photo on his desk, a picture of the four of them together, happy, and he let out a deep sigh. "Is there any update on Ms Naylor?"

Sacha nodded as he relaxed a little, seeming to settle in on his desk a little. "Jac is doing quite well, and will be coming out of the anesthesia quite soon. You did a good job on her surgery, Henrik, and I know that she'll be pleased that her scar is small."

"Yes, well, Doctor McKendrick was the one who finished closing the wound."

"You made the initial incision, so you were the one who guided where things would go. Your handiwork is always clear to see." The praise was nice to hear after losing his Roxanna, but it still did little to soothe his troubled soul. "Now, I have to get Emma, since Serena commandeered Fletch for some super-secret mission. I will catch up with you as soon as I can." Sacha got up and patted Henrik's shoulder before heading over to the door and pausing for a moment to look at him. "We're here for you, Henrik. We won't let you go through this alone."

He went to say something when the door opened, revealing Essie and Serena. Henrik frowned a little at the way Serena practically frog marched the woman into his office and they exchanged a quick look before he shooed Sacha the rest of the way out of his office, somehow knowing that whatever needed to be said would be just between the three of them. "I take it that you have news for me?" he asked as he threaded his fingers together and set his hands on his desk as he stared them down.

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say that there's news," Essie said a bit shiftily, refusing to meet his eyes. "Serena said that you were looking for Roxanna's body, and I informed her that, as per her wishes, John has already sent it on for medical research."

"I see." That was a lie, he knew that, but there was no way to question her further about that, since it was a plausible lie. Taking a deep breath, he glanced over at Serena, seeing her raise her eyebrows a little. "And just where is John now? There are a few questions that I'd like to ask of him."

"He had to travel to Spain and check in with Lazlo. Thankfully, he was able to still make his flight after Roxanna's surgery. I am so sorry, Henrik, he worked so hard to save her, but the brain bleed was too extensive, and he couldn't get it under control. I know how much she meant to you." Again, lies mixed with truth, and things that he couldn't call her on. "He might be difficult to reach, but he will be back in time." Essie gave him an almost bored look, and he tried not to fall for the bait that she was fishing with as he nodded. "I need to get back to my rounds now."

Before either he or Serena could say anything, Essie got to her feet and fairly fled from the room. "That was decidedly odd. But I suppose that Roxanna could have left her body to science, that does seem like something she would do. I just wish that we could talk to John and get him to confirm that, since Essie seems to have a giant chip on her shoulder about something to do with this."

"I have the same feeling, Serena. Now, please, leave me. I need to be alone for a little while." She nodded in understanding, getting to her feet and giving him one long, heartbroken, look before she followed Essie out onto the ward, leaving him alone with his sorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

Henrik waited as long as he could before pulling out his mobile and dialing John. He wasn't surprised that the call went straight to voicemail, since there was a good likelihood that he was still in the air, if indeed he was travelling to Spain. There had been a kernel of truth to that story that Essie had told, and that might have been it. Still, he left a message, hoping that John would get back to him as soon as he had landed. Knowing that it was pointless to call again so soon, he turned the mobile off and placed it in his pocket, determined not to look at it again until the end of his shift.

He found it difficult to concentrate on his work, since he wanted to know exactly what was going on with everything, but he tried to push all of that to the back of his mind as he caught up on charting and research for the paper he was planning on writing for publication. He had just gotten past thinking about Roxanna every two minutes when his office phone rang, and he picked it up without thinking. "Hello?"

"Henrik? Have you checked your email lately?"

Serena sounded extremely frustrated and confused, which immediately set him even further off kilter as he let out a deep breath. "I haven't, no. Why?"

"Just, just see if you got the same announcement that I did. You'll know exactly what I'm talking about when you read the email."

He was bothered by how cryptic her words were and Henrik clicked on the web client he used, quickly typing in his password to log into his work email. Scanning the subject lines of the new messages in his inbox, he felt a cold lump form in the pit of his stomach when he noticed the email from Abigail Tate. The subject line was just one word, but that word was enough to let him know that the hospital was in more trouble than just losing the body of an esteemed colleague and another colleague being incognito. Letting out a deep sigh, he brought his mouse over to the message and clicked on it.

_Henrik,_

_I know that this letter is probably not the best way to inform you of my decision to step down as the CEO of Holby City Hospital and Trust, effective immediately. I have found that my tenure at the hospital has become untenable, and in order to preserve my sanity and work ethos, I have decided to accept a position as a heart surgeon in Chicago. It was truly a pleasure to work with you, and Serena, but there were things that occurred while I was here that just broke something inside me. Please, do not contact me now, as I don't think that I have an answer to the questions you might have. I will be in touch later, when I have a better handle on things. I've already written to Serena and the members of the board, so they know that my decision is final, I'm afraid. I also told them that I recommended for you to take over for me once more, since you have been able to right this ship more often than I care to think about. I know that Serena agrees with me and will also recommend that you take over again. I have faith that you'll be able to fix what I never could._

_All my best,_

_Abigail_

Henrik let out a small groan as he leaned back in his chair. "Why is it that people in this hospital can never give proper notice when they wish to leave their jobs?" he muttered, listening to Serena chuckle wryly in his ear.

"You expect people to give notice when they've found better jobs? If we lived in a perfect world, perhaps that would happen, but things never seem to go as planned here. I mean, I was the one who tried to throw herself back into work way too quickly. I should have taken your advice and gone on sabbatical following Elinor's death, but I truly believed that work was where I needed to be. Until I snapped, and had to get out. I didn't exactly give you leave then."

"No, but there were extenuating circumstances."

"And maybe Abigail had those same extenuating circumstances that she didn't feel comfortable telling us. Just so you know, I have already told the board that you should be reinstated as our CEO, since you have always done a good job at keeping us steady throughout every challenge. I know that with John missing and the chaos surrounding Roxanna's death, you might not think that you're in the right frame of mind to take charge once more, but I promise that I will be right by your side to help prop up the decisions that you make. I can be the heavy, if you want."

That was the only thing that put a small smile on his lips, though it faded quickly as turned his attention back to the computer screen once more. "I will welcome any help that you wish to give me, Serena. After all, I have the feeling that it will be a little difficult to just move past losing Roxanna and not knowing where John went."

"I will be there for whatever you need. You were there for me when I was at my lowest, after all." Serena cleared her throat. "Now, I need to let you go. I have commitments to deal with, but I will talk to you tomorrow. Just know that my heart is with you over the loss of Roxanna. We'll come up with a way to honor her memory, I promise you."

He knew that if she was with him in that moment, she probably would have hugged him, no matter how much he might protest her doing so, and he let out a deep sigh as he nodded. "I know that we will. There's room out in the peace garden, by the statue honoring everyone that my son destroyed."

"He was ill, Henrik, it wasn't your fault."

"I passed my sickness on to him, so I rather do think that some of what happened was my fault. But, that is a discussion for another time. Until tomorrow." Before she could say another word, Henrik hung the phone up and slid his glasses off his nose so that he could rub the bridge a few times, trying to ease away the tension headache that was slowly starting to build in his temples. Knowing that he wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything for the rest of the day, no matter how hard he tried, he shut his computer down and then pushed away from the desk, slipping into his coat before picking up his briefcase and filling it with some paperwork that he could try and work on when he arrived home.

"Her cat," he suddenly breathed out, knowing that he would be the only person left to take care of the pet. Crouching down, he opened his top drawer and rummaged around until he had his hand on a ring of keys that Roxanna had entrusted him with months ago, just in case something happened, or she needed to head out on a trip. "It will be a change, but one I can handle," he said to himself as he pocketed the keys and made plans to pick up the cat and bring it back to his apartment, happy to have at least one small reminder of his lost love in his life.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been two weeks since Roxanna had died, and John had taken off for Spain. Though he had tried to reach out to his friend multiple times, in order to tell him about the memorial service they were holding for Roxanna, and the flowers that he had planted next to the statue in order to honor her memory. Since there hadn't been a body to bury, or ashes to entomb, he felt a distinct lack of closure with it all, and he wanted nothing more than to hear his best friend's voice tell him that everything was going to be all right with time.

Serena had been lovely, picking up the slack when he had forgotten a few deadlines, even though her own plate was near full to overflowing. He knew what it was like to try and keep so many balls in the air, though she seemed to be juggling them with a little more grace than he had expected. Which led him to his current dilemma, how to make certain that the hospital was running smoothly enough to where he could allow himself to take a more hands-off approach once more. He rather enjoyed looming around the corridors, keeping the staff on their toes.

Shaking his head a little, he tried to clear away the more melancholy thoughts from his mind as he pushed away from his desk and strode over to the door, intending to head through the wards to see how things were running, hoping that it was all going smoothly. He went down to the ED first, knowing that it wouldn't be too difficult to check in on Connie's kingdom. Ever since she had taken over that department, that was the one place that he didn't have to worry about, since she kept a tighter ship than he did. Humming beneath his breath, he stepped out of the lift and made his way onto the wards.

It was a buzz of activity when he arrived, which was par for the course, as there always seemed to be people who made poor choices and got into accidents. He mostly escaped notice until Connie stepped out of a cubicle, her heels clacking furiously against the linoleum floor until she noticed him there. "Henrik, out strolling the wards?" He nodded. "It's always a pleasure to see you down here. Are you having a good time slipping back into the swing of things? I mean, it was rather odd that Ms Tate so abruptly left her position, leaving us to deal with the chaos that your friend Gaskell created."

The wry, almost bitter, tone of her voice didn't really surprise him, and he knew that he deserved the jibes, since it was true, John had created a whirlwind of chaos in his wake. The only thing that he could even say was a good thing about what had happened was that Jac had recovered well from her surgery, and even that wasn't the direct result of his good work. "I have had better times than these, Connie, as well you know. Is there anything that you need, though?"

She gave him a tiny smile before shaking her head. "I think that I have everything under control. Thankfully, the drama upstairs hasn't really seemed to seep into my ED all that much. But if you need me to float up onto Darwin and help cover for Jac while she's recovering from her surgery..."

"I will certainly keep that in mind if we run short staffed." He gave her a sharp nod before stepping past her and heading for the stairs, knowing that it would be easier to climb them to the next floor, rather than wasting time waiting for the lift to arrive. It also gave him time to think about what he would say to the other leads of the departments that he visited. Henrik found himself so lost in thought that he didn't notice precisely where he was going, and ended up bumping shoulders with Essie as she was making her way downwards. "Excuse me."

"You're fine, Mister Hanssen. Have you heard from John lately?"

A frown marred his forehead as he shook his head. "No, I seem to keep missing him, though he has left a few voicemails when I've been in meetings or tied up with hospital business. It's almost as if he knows exactly when to call so that I can't have a conversation with him."

Though he hadn't meant to sound accusatory, from the quick blush that bloomed in her cheeks, he must have struck a sore spot. "Then it looks like he's avoiding you as much as he's avoiding me. But if I do manage to get him on the phone, I'll make certain to tell him that he needs to call you at a decent time."

Before he could get another question in, she bolted down the rest of the stairs, leaving him to stare after her in confusion. Her words and the shifty way she was acting told him that she knew far more than she had been letting on, and wondered just how often John was calling her, and if she knew where he really was. Letting out a deep sigh, he tried to resign himself to the fact that he would never know what she was keeping from him, since he couldn't force her to tell him the truth behind her lies.

The rest of the cursory inspection went well, with many people extending their condolences over the loss of Roxanna. Those kind words set his emotions off kilter, and he was glad when he was finally able to lock himself away in his office, and he took a seat behind his desk, staring at what was there. Though his fish appeared to be in the same position as when he had left, Henrik still took a moment to fiddle with the placement of it, until it finally felt right to him. Then he straightened his line of pens before finally settling in to take a look at his emails. There was nothing too pressing, and he replied to the ones that were necessary before turning his head to look at the picture of Roxanna that sat on his desk.

Her gentle smile was frozen in time, and he had to fight the inclination to reach out his hand and trace her face with his finger. Even though the photo was behind glass, he knew that the cleaners would notice if there were fingerprints there, and then all sorts of gossip would filter throughout the hospital about him. And he did not want everyone to know that he had fallen in love with a woman who was no longer alive, that he couldn't move on from the past they had all shared. It had taken him until recently to actually admit that his feelings ran far deeper than _philia_ for Roxanna. The ache in his heart told him as much. Serena seemed to know that there was more to his grieving, but then, she also knew about how it felt to have to hide love away.

"I wish that I knew how to move on, Roxy. You wouldn't want me to pine like this, since we didn't allow you to pine for David, we forced you to live again. And I know that if you were here, and it was John who was gone, you'd be forcing me to live, to find a way to get past your death. I'll give it a few more weeks, and then I'll put you, my joy, behind me." Refusing to cry, refusing to show any hint of what he perceived as weakness to the outside world, even if there was no one else in the office with him at that moment. Taking one last look at the picture of Roxanna, Henrik drew in a deep breath and then turned back to his computer, knowing that he had to start working on the budget for the next fiscal quarter, even as he wished he could see Roxanna's face one more time.


	6. Chapter 6

Roxanna stared at her body in the mirror of the bathroom that dominated the door. Turning sideways, she let out a disconsolate sigh as she touched her bare stomach, the gentle rise there no longer undeniable. She was truly pregnant, with Henrik's baby. That, in and of itself, was a minor miracle in the hell that she was currently experiencing. John had tried to explain that he had been doing the right thing for them, by spiriting her away from Holby and all the stress and drama that they had been through. He had been trying to convince her that they belonged together, and this pregnancy just proved that, and that he would take care of her and the baby when it came.

Which was all well and good, but she didn't feel that way about being locked up in the flat all day and night, kept under lock and key when John had to head out for groceries or other errands. Roxanna wanted nothing more than to be able to access a telephone and call Henrik, to let her know that she was all right. To let him know that he was going to have a second chance at being a father. But John made certain that she never had access to his mobile, and there was no landline in the flat. Hell, he wouldn't even allow her access to envelopes and stamps on the off chance that she might write to someone and let them know that she was still alive.

Because while he had been careful to keep any technology out of her hands, she still had access to the television and radio, and had heard a brief mention of her death lumped in with the chaos at Holby before he had moved them to this new location. And she yearned to connect with the man she loved, to tell him everything that had happened so far. John would never allow that though, and as she had healed from the car accident, she found herself growing more and more restive.

A soft knocking on the bathroom door told Roxanna that John was growing impatient with her, since it was nearly time for breakfast, and his punctuality demanded that she be seated three minutes beforehand. "I'll be right out, John!" she said, hoping that she sounded at least a little happy. He didn't like it when she was sad around him, and so she waited until he had left for the day to cry and rage about her situation.

"Good, Rox. The toast is starting to cool."

Rolling her eyes a little, Roxanna shimmied into a jumper that was rapidly becoming too tight for her before stepping into a skirt and adjusting the waistband until it sat comfortably around her hips. She would definitely be needing some new clothes soon, to accommodate her growing stomach, but she had no idea if she would be allowed outside to do so, or if John would just bring home new things for her, like he had done so far. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door and made her way down the hall to the kitchen, finding a tall glass of juice next to her spot, along with her prenatal vitamins. Taking a seat, she mechanically picked up the glass and took her vitamins, knowing that John would get after her if she didn't. "I thought that toast wasn't good for the baby."

"I needed to make you something quick this morning, since I'll be heading out early to check on something. But don't worry, when I return, we'll be heading out for a walk around town. You need to get some exercise, after all. That will be good for the baby."

She grimaced a little as she choked on a swallow of juice, before nodding. "I suppose that I'll have to stay in the bedroom while you're gone?"

John shook his head. "I've actually figured out a way to make certain that you'll be safe in the living room. So, hurry and eat." Frowning a little, she did as asked, and then was unceremoniously led into the living room, trying to keep from crying when she noticed that he had managed to somehow locate a manacle for her leg, attaching it to the wall. "Now, the metal shouldn't turn your skin raw in the short time that I'm gone, but you should be able to move around easily enough. I'll be back in two hours." He closed the manacle around her ankle, and Roxanna shuddered at the sound. As he stood up, she thought, for almost a moment, that he was going to kiss her, but instead just patted her cheek lightly.

It wasn't until she heard the apartment door close that she allowed herself to cry a little before walking around to see how long her chain was. It was enough to get her around the room, but it was also enough to allow her to find everything she would need to write a letter to Henrik. Knowing that she had to act quickly, that her time before John returned was limited, she scrawled out her emotions to him, letting him know that she was still alive and that John was holding her captive, though she wasn't entirely certain where, since she had been moved at least once since the accident. Finally, she knew that she had to wrap things up before it got too long, and then she was folding the paper, kissing it lightly before slipping it into the envelope and printing Henrik's address on the front before placing a stamp in the corner and sealing it.

Folding the envelope, she hurriedly stuffed it into her pocket and then replaced all the supplies that she hadn't used, hoping that John wouldn't notice anything amiss, knowing that she would have to keep her cool and not give anything away as she held onto her one glimmer of hope in the world. She was just taking a seat on the sofa once more when she heard the door unlock and open, and Roxanna hurriedly picked up the first book that she could grab off the coffee table. "That didn't take you too long, John," she called out as she got to her feet.

There was a wide smile on his lips as he came into the living room, and she knew enough by now to return the expression. And in the back of her mind, she knew that that was exactly what happened when you were placating a monster. She had never wanted to think of John that way, but after everything he had done during his trial, to what he was doing to her now, pointed to him being just that. "It didn't take as long as I thought it would. Here, I bought you a new coat for our outing, since I knew that you would need something to cover you while we head out shopping for maternity clothes for you. It is Christmas, after all, so you deserve new things, as a gift from me to you."

A gift with iron chains attached, she thought as she watched him release the manacle from her ankle before helping her into the light grey trench coat. It did fit well, and she gave him a small smile before taking hold of his arm and letting him lead her outside. It was a bit of a surprise to see that they were somewhere in the middle of whatever city they were currently located, and she drew in a deep breath as she began to look for a post box in which to drop her letter. She knew that she would have to be careful, to not get caught, but she was determined to let Henrik know that he still had reason to hope, and maybe, just maybe, he'd be able to rescue her if she couldn't get away from John first.


End file.
